Sunday, November 23, 2008

Motherhood- the hardest job on the planet!

Please bear with me while I get my thoughts out OK? Saying that being mommy is the hardest job I've ever had would be an understatement. Its also the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. I guess before Davis it was so easy to give up on things that were "hard" to me. Not this though, not now, not ever. I never knew a love like this before. I've never felt like all my love was inside a pressure cooker and it was going to blow and spill over any minute but it doesn't, it just stays. Intense. Weird right?

But its hard. I'm so exhausted sometimes and it feels like one day just turns into the next. My house is a mess. So many things, family and friends get neglected and I'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all. Where in the heck did the last year and a half of my life go? I thought for sure after a year I'd have it back together. Ha! I guess you live and you learn. I don't k now if I'll ever have "it" back together again because as soon as I think I'm on my way, it's a new stage in his life and its time to re-adjust again.

I'm a reader. If I want to know how to do something, I read it and figure it out. There are all sorts of books/guides on parenting but there is no specific manual written just for me for my child and figuring it all out along the way is a tremendous journey. I'm sure I can be a bit hard on myself too because like most parents, I want the best for him and want to do everything right. I know that's impossible and all I can do is my best. At least that's what my mother told me when I was a little girl. I wonder if she was thinking the same thoughts I'm having now. LOL.

I love this kid with every fiber of my being. I feel so blessed that God chose me to be his mommy. He chose ME! So I'm awakened every single morning at 6:30am by this little person and I'm full speed ahead until after 11 at night. When I look at his sleeping face like I am now, I think, God, this is SO HARD...but so worth it and I'd do it all over again. Just to see that positive pee stick, to see/hear the heartbeat on the ultrasound for the 1st time, to feel him on the inside of me moving around, to hear him cry for the very.first. time. I'd do it ALL over again. Id even do the hard parts just to be his mommy.

But I sure could use a break.